5 Lessons from “The Courage to be Disliked”
I first came across “The Courage to Be Disliked” from a recommendation from a friend. They had read it several times, and they claimed it completely changed their point of view.
I was intrigued. I love a good book.
I’ve recently been griping with the concept of personal freedom and what it means to indeed be free. I have come across many ideas around this subject, but few paint quite as simple a picture of freedom. The book delivers its message by way of several conversations between a Youth, a brazen self-conscious challenger and an Adlerian Philosopher, the role of the wise man. At times, I felt the frustration of the Youth, as the ideas presented in the book aren’t easy to grasp or apply without deep consideration and meditation. This work is rewarded, however, if you take its lessons and apply them to your daily life. I guarantee you will see an improvement in the way you feel and how you conduct yourself with others. Here are 5 lessons from A Courage to be Disliked, The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness.
Key Concepts covered:
Adlerian Philosophy
Etiology (The study of Causation) Vs. Teleology (The Study of the purpose of a given phenomenon)
Unhappiness is a choice
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
You are not the center of the world
Your life is decided in the here and now
Lesson 1 (The First Night). Deny trauma, it’s only holding you back.
The subtitle is jarring, I know, I too was skeptical, like the Youth.
The first night the Youth encounters the Philosopher, he is introduced to the idea of Adlerian philosophy. Alfred Adler was a world-renowned philosopher and psychiatrist who stressed the need to understand individuals within their social context. Adler believed that we all have two primary objectives in life. To belong, and to feel significant.
How does this relate to trauma?
According to the book, our need to hold on to trauma is mainly because it either makes us feel like we belong, or it makes us feel significant. This may not seem like it is problematic, but if we dwell on our life stories, they can become a hindrance and an excuse to stagnate. By hanging on to whatever stories are keeping us in small and in place, we are essentially choosing not to change.
When we let the past dictate our future, we are living according to Etiology, the study of the cause of a given phenomenon, i.e. our history.
The Philosopher begs the Youth, and You and I, to learn from our pasts but not to live in them. Kevin hart recently said at Roc Nation’s Grammy Brunch, “Your life is a book, and you have the power to right the ending of that book.” A fundamental shift in perspective happens when we approach life through the concept of teleology, the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon.
For example, the secret author who can never get any work done. Life’s always in the way, too much work, and when they get home, they’re too tired. If we examine why he won’t get any job done through the lens of etiology, one may suspect he just needs to do less work, or drink more coffee or something. But teleology reveals a deeper cause, what is the purpose of him feeling so overwhelmed in the first place? Perhaps the author is afraid to fail, they want to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, so they never try to find out.
Key Take Away: Your life is decided in the here and now, and not in your past. At any moment, you have the power to choose your destiny, and it is the actions you take right NOW that matter most, not anything that you did, or was done, to you.
This should come as a welcome message. The circumstances of your upbringing, your present situation all undoubtedly have played a role in your life, but how empowering is it to hear that you have the power to dictate where it goes from here?
Lesson 2 (The Second Night). All problems are interpersonal problems
Adlerian philosophy believes that when we are unhappy, it is because of a failure to complete our life tasks. Life-tasks are the tasks we undertake in life to fulfill our objective to belong and to be significant. Since these higher objectives can only exist in a social context, it follows that all of our life tasks are interpersonal. Thus all of our problems (which eventually lead to unhappiness) are interpersonal.
Do you talk down to yourself? Calling yourself stupid or saying, “I could never do this/that.” Adler believed these to be excuses that enable us to avoid taking on the life-tasks, and interpersonal problems necessary for us to achieve those goals. The truth is short of physically not being able to make something, everything is attainable. We just choose what to put our energy into and when/where to put ourselves out there.
Feelings of inferiority are perhaps the single biggest reason for people not accomplishing their dreams. I know for a fact that I have let those feelings get in the way of starting things. These subjective assumptions single-handedly have the power to crush your dreams before they even have a chance to settle in your mind. But have you considered why? It’s not that we are afraid to fail, its that we are scared to be SEEN failing, and that is an interpersonal, social problem.
Alder warns us, as the Philosopher warned the Youth, not to fall for what he calls the “life-lie.” The life-lie is “coming up with all manner of pretext to avoid life tasks.” You cannot avoid life tasks; therefore, you can not prevent interpersonal problems. The best we can do is learn how to manage ourselves so that our actions allow us to be the best version of ourselves while achieving our two main objectives.
Key take away: All of life’s problems are interpersonal problems. It is impossible to escape interpersonal problems. The best we can do is manage them in a way that leads to a fulfilling life for us as well as for those around us.
Lesson 3 (The Third Night). Discard Other People’s Tasks.
This subtitle took me aback too. Surely we are here to help one another.
By the third night, the Youth is feeling very skeptical of the Philosopher’s ways. When he returns, the Philosopher reminds him that he and he alone is responsible for the way his life has gone and will continue to develop.
You are responsible for living life for you.
The Philosopher warns the Youth to let go of his desire for recognition. Living to satisfy the expectations of others only leads to a life that is miserable and unfulfilled. If you live to please others, you lack the intrinsic motivation to wake up and do what you mean to do every day. The moment that recognition fades so does your drive. The Philosopher goes as far as to say, “desire for recognition makes you unfree.” If it is Freedom we are after, one thing we have complete control over is being free from seeking recognition.
The Philosopher goes on to point out that intervening in other people’s life-tasks makes your life into something heavy and full of misery. It is never your task to try to change someone (or their opinion/the way they think). If you do and you fail, you will blame yourself and feel resentment. If you succeed. You have only put a bandaid on the “problem” and are likely only measuring success from your own perspective.
The best we can do is offer our support and be our most genuine selves but let the ultimate decision and action lay in the hands of whoever’s life task it is.
Key takeaways: You are responsible for living your life for you. Apply this philosophy to those around you as well. Let people live their own lives according to their personal values. It is essential to lend a helping hand whenever needed but just as vital to recognize when someone’s life task is their own.
Lesson 4 (The Fourth Night). Where the center of the world is
The Fourth Night begins to shed some light on how these principles apply to society and how we contribute. The ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships is a feeling of community, after all, surely separating tasks and drawing boundaries in one’s relationships leads to loneliness and individualism.
The Youth posed a similar challenge to the Philosopher.
While it’s true that according to Alderian philosophy, all problems are interpersonal problems, the opposite is also true. That interpersonal relationships are the cause of happiness. And this happiness can only be achieved in a social context. Society emerges where there are at least two individuals. That is when the switch happens from self-centeredness to concern for others, i.e. social interest.
Let’s go back to the desire of recognition to clarify this message. Is the desire more self-centred? Or geared towards concern for others? The Philosopher warns us that we are not the center of the world, and to try and become so will only lead to unhappiness and a general disruption of “society.” The desire for recognition is anti-society, in other words.
So how can we feel we have value if recognition is not an accurate metric?
Adler believes that this answer lies in the here and now.
Key takeaways: You are not the center of the world. Striving to gain recognition only leads to a lack of fulfillment and disruption of “society.” Instead of counting your own points, evaluate how you impact that team as a whole.
Lesson 5 (The Fifth Night). To live in earnest in the here and now
Exist in the here and now!
If you are like me, you have suffered from excessive self-consciousness. “I’m too this or I’m too that to do that thing I really want to do.” So you never actually end up taking any steps to achieve that goal or dream. We believe this reaction is saving us from embarrassment or failure, but Adler actually believed self-consciousness stifles the self entirely.
You cannot achieve the most refined version of yourself if you are unhappy. You owe it to society to be happy now as that will unleash your most beneficial gifts. The essence of work is the contribution to the greater good.
If you struggle to find meaning in this life, you can find solace in knowing that as long as you are a part of a society, you have value, and you have a mission.
On the fifth night, the Philosopher assures the Youth that it is okay to be normal. You do not have to strive to be some revered being. Instead, focus on your gifts here and now. How can they help? How can you apply what you are best at to serve the greater community? If you shift your focus from I to we, not only will you be free of the pressure, but suddenly you will not be afraid to fail. How can you fail at helping?
Key takeaways: Society emerges between you and I. The highest calling in life is to serve society with your unique gifts. Give meaning to a meaningless life by striving to serve the community.
Putting it all in perspective
“The Courage to be Disliked” is a very powerful read. It’s one of those books you know will add value to your life every time you read it and apply it to your changed conditions. I think the most important lesson to take from the book is carefully hidden in the title. Improvement is about courage, and you definitely can't please all of the people all the time. Most times we know deep down what we are willing to tolerate and what we simply have to say “no” to. Having the courage to be disliked is the first step to living a life of meaning, impact and contribution to the greater good. Because what you say “no” to ultimately decides what you say yes to. And how can you have a meaningful impact if you are stuck doing things you would rather not all the time? Have the courage to make the changes you need, in order to live the life you deserve.
